Troubled.

tonight is a hard night. how do you deal with hardships? apparently watching sonny chiba movies and writing dumb things like this is how I do it.

how do you hate someone you once wanted to swear your life to?
how do you stay in a one-sided love despite all the bad it does?
when you doubt your life, your dreams, your hopes, your future, and all you thought was true
where do you find peace? I ask because
this is what I do
I take the ore of my emotion
crush it with my hands
grind every stupid notion
into nothing more than sand
dust for thought 
for I must not
give in to its demands
it's the classic struggle of id and ego
I'm buried somewhere beneath
crushing those feelings, grinding my teeth
sometimes I don't know
what I'm trying to achieve
it's always a bare-fist fight
just to believe
to make it through the night
how do you make sense of the past when it has been reduced to ash
when everything connected to it is as painful as being put to lash
I have a master, governing my being
like blindness, keeping me from seeing
I have to survive whether I want to or not
I need to stay alive, with everything I've got
for those who depend on me, who would fall apart in agony
those few who would celebrate
out of spite and addictive hate
even now, alone, when this torment seems to have doubled
I must tell myself it's not better to be dead, but to be alive and troubled.